The pain our parents can dole out upon our lives can be lasting. At one point I thought that the issues with my relationship with my father had been dealt with.
I was wrong.
My childhood is split in two. The chasm of drug addiction forever changed my relationship with my father. Before his addictions gained the upper hand in his life he was a fun-loving playful soul. My father was my buddy. I was a true blue daddy's girl. Everything my daddy did, I wanted to do. Wherever he went, I wanted to tag along. On construction sites, to the lumberyard, the junkyard, around town running errands, anywhere and everywhere my daddy went I wanted to go.
Then he changed.
In what feels like an instant, my daddy became another man. The daddy I adored so very much was dead and gone, and in his place stood a shell of a man. A man so gripped by his addiction that he was blinded to all the hurt he was causing. He states nowadays that he purposefully worked himself out of my life and became distant to protect me. Unaware--even still-- of the damage that action caused me.
It hurt so much. Time and time again I would find myself so disappointed and heartbroken. My father's addiction controls him. He wants so desperately to be free, and he has been, but he just cannot break the chains his addictions hold over his life. Even thinking of this breaks my heart yet again. I can't stand the fact that the daddy I so loved as a little girl is dead and gone, and in his place is a broken, lifeless man. The saddest part of all is that my father will likely die without ever having lived. He will likely lose this fight. I want so badly to see that light in those ice blue eyes of his. Just once more. What I would give just to see his face light up with that infectious smile and his piercing baby blues twinkle.
How do you mourn the loss of someone who you see every day? The paradox that is the life of my father. He is alive and well. And yet all the while he is dead and gone. Buried deep within the confines of crack addiction is my daddy. Will he ever see the light of day again? I am not sure. But I refuse to give up hope. I know that he is capable of being clean. He just has to want it bad enough.
It is almost indescribable the hurt that I feel knowing that my daddy, the one I miss so dearly is here, just hidden away. That the one I spent my days with, the one I palled around with is missing. But yet a very similar man is ever-present in my life. This man looks exactly like my beloved daddy, only aged. He sounds like him, it's all the same man...only he is empty. His eyes no longer sparkle, they cry out with the anguish of a man so full of life caught in the death grip of addiction. He sits there in his room with crack rock after crack rock, day in and day out. Living the life of a dead man. He tells me he loves me more than I know. He loves me more than anything... But how do I believe this? How when I would ask him to come to my school functions, or see me sing at church...or just talk to me, and he chose to get high instead. I want to be angry about this. But while he lit that pipe and smoked it every time on his own volition, he is also controlled by it. It is there screaming in his ear ever louder, a near brute force twisting his arm, his will and ultimately controlling his entire life.
Heartbreaking.
I learned as a young girl to just turn off my feelings of hurt. And when it was really bad, I would just flip that feeling of hurt into fuel for anger. I got to where it hurt too much to hurt. I refused to be hurt, I just chose to either turn it off and bury it within, or get angry. It became so much of my daily life with my father that it translated into my relationships with others. I thought that this was a great solution. I was wrong. It was fine and dandy while I was in the situation. Because frankly it was a day to day thing. It was seemingly more worthwhile to just act as though it weren't happening rather than attempt to heal from hurts every single day. Especially when those hurts would not end, nor would my need for restitution be satiated. It was one of my many auto-protect mechanisms.
I am now discovering the many facets of my childhood need to protect my heart, and the seemingly brash and harsh ways I deal with those who hurt me. I am realizing that I need to allow people to be people. I cannot protect myself from further hurts. People do not live up to our expectations, they disappoint, upset and annoy us, and they break our hearts. But these are all the plot twists that create the great novels of our human existence.
I have realized that I attempt to force anyone who crosses me to pay for the hurts my father caused (and still causes). This is no one's debt to pay. My father could have apologized all the times he hurt me, but he didn't. And now the damage is done. I choose to forgive him. And now I need to allow myself to heal. So that is my mission right now. To fix me...
I am the fixer. The one who must fix it...whatever it is I must make an attempt to make it better. So here goes. No matter the multitude of tears and personal wrangling, and contemplation I will fix this. I will find the way to fix me. And thus fix my relationships both current and future.
The woman I want to be is not a harsh volatile person who causes people to tread with fear and trepidation around her. I want to be exactly the opposite of that. I want to be an approachable kind woman who instills a feeling of trust in all the souls she encounters.
Obviously I want this fix to be permanent. And I would love to be able to just flip a switch and be that woman...but healing and retraining yourself takes time. A dear friend (one of the most influential friends I have made, and one who wounded me deeply...a previous blog is written on this topic) who knows me more than I know myself at times, gave me some of the best words of encouragement: "Val you need to be patient with yourself. You cannot unlearn something you have done your entire life in one day. You worked hard to protect yourself in that way, and that is the way you know. " That is what I will tell myself. Continue on...press in and fix this. I will heal from this deep set wound from my childhood, and be the woman I long to be.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Friday, April 3, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
what i am...a rant
What I am...
What I am not...
Who I am...
Who I am not...
So many questions and so many answers... so much unsaid.
Gasp! I feel so incredibly bogged down with questions right now. The ones I should ask. The ones I want to ask. The ones I don't want to ask. The ones I have asked, but still feel as though they have not been satiated. My mind is in a flurry of thoughts, questions, propositions, wranglings. Hurt feelings, bruised heart, wounded pride.
Have I been duped? Led on? Tricked? Or maybe I have just been pushing for something that wasn't there. Maybe wanting something so much that I saw more than what was there in actuality. Hmmm...
Should I ask? Should I ask him these questions and more? Maybe I already know the answer? Who knows? Not I.
All I know is what I felt, what he says, what my gut says, and now what an all too informed friend says. Groan. DOUBLE GROAN!
Still I refuse to walk away. I won't bow out. Not this time. I actually care for once. He matters to me. And what happens between him and I matters to me.
On one hand I truly wish we had started this whole fiasco as just friends. Friendship can be built upon. But it is really difficult to rewind feelings, and once the sex line has been crossed it is even more difficult to go back behind that line. But the line was crossed. From the gate we crossed the line. And now I wonder. I wonder if maybe we really are just best friends who got too far ahead of themselves. But it doesn't feel as such. It feels as though we were always more than just friends.
I don't want to be his best friend. I want to be his everything. I want to be the one he thinks of when he is trying to sleep at night. I want to be the one whose kiss he remembers and smiles. I want to be the one he misses even three seconds after leaving my presence. I want to be his. Is this too much to ask for?
Is it too much for me to want to be adored? To want for someone to love me? It doesn't seem to be too much. But at times it feels like I am asking too much. That is what I long for. I deeply long for someone to yearn for me. For them to see me as their everything. I have never been in love, and that is my aim. I want love. I want to fall for someone and have them catch me. I want to be the one for someone.
I just don't know what to do here...
Let it flow is what I have been told...
Just let it flow...
We shall see. Oh goodness this is hard. So hard. It hurts...
What I am not...
Who I am...
Who I am not...
So many questions and so many answers... so much unsaid.
Gasp! I feel so incredibly bogged down with questions right now. The ones I should ask. The ones I want to ask. The ones I don't want to ask. The ones I have asked, but still feel as though they have not been satiated. My mind is in a flurry of thoughts, questions, propositions, wranglings. Hurt feelings, bruised heart, wounded pride.
Have I been duped? Led on? Tricked? Or maybe I have just been pushing for something that wasn't there. Maybe wanting something so much that I saw more than what was there in actuality. Hmmm...
Should I ask? Should I ask him these questions and more? Maybe I already know the answer? Who knows? Not I.
All I know is what I felt, what he says, what my gut says, and now what an all too informed friend says. Groan. DOUBLE GROAN!
Still I refuse to walk away. I won't bow out. Not this time. I actually care for once. He matters to me. And what happens between him and I matters to me.
On one hand I truly wish we had started this whole fiasco as just friends. Friendship can be built upon. But it is really difficult to rewind feelings, and once the sex line has been crossed it is even more difficult to go back behind that line. But the line was crossed. From the gate we crossed the line. And now I wonder. I wonder if maybe we really are just best friends who got too far ahead of themselves. But it doesn't feel as such. It feels as though we were always more than just friends.
I don't want to be his best friend. I want to be his everything. I want to be the one he thinks of when he is trying to sleep at night. I want to be the one whose kiss he remembers and smiles. I want to be the one he misses even three seconds after leaving my presence. I want to be his. Is this too much to ask for?
Is it too much for me to want to be adored? To want for someone to love me? It doesn't seem to be too much. But at times it feels like I am asking too much. That is what I long for. I deeply long for someone to yearn for me. For them to see me as their everything. I have never been in love, and that is my aim. I want love. I want to fall for someone and have them catch me. I want to be the one for someone.
I just don't know what to do here...
Let it flow is what I have been told...
Just let it flow...
We shall see. Oh goodness this is hard. So hard. It hurts...
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
a rock and a hard place
Well here I am once again...stuck in a place where I either swallow my pride or I make the hard choice on account of principle. Stuck. Wedged in between two choices that are equally shitty. Not a fun place to be
You know sometimes I truly wish I were one of those girls who was completely oblivious to the things around her. Sometimes life in the fog is so much more peaceful than life spent staring into the glaring sun...seeing full well what lies ahead. But it hurts. It is incredibly uncomfortable at times to see what lies ahead...to see the looming storm clouds over the mountain pass. Those clouds containing destruction and an unsettling that will have a ripple-affect all across the land, every square inch of the territory known to you. It will even effect the places you'd never even thought of. The storm clouds will leave lasting effects and you know this long before the first drop ever touches the ground.
This is where I have been for weeks and weeks now. Knowing a raging storm was lurking on the horizon...but all the while I refused to look it in the face. Like the farmer who has toiled and poured out his sweat, blood, and tears on his crop. Nurturing the little plants, removing weeds, watering, fertilizing, cultivating. He works day in and day out in order to ensure a good healthy crop. And then one day, he gets a whiff of rain. He sees the giant thunderheads in the distance. He shudders to think of the destruction those clouds hold. They hold millions of gallons of life-giving water, vital to his crop. But they also contain hail, wind and lightening...things that can destroy all his hard work.
Relationships are like this at times. The hard work of cultivating something so wonderful and life-giving is also wrought with the worry of it all being washed away with the storm clouds looming on the horizon. And unfortunately when one smells the rain, it is on the way. Maybe the truth the rain brings will wash away the weaker elements of the relationship, or maybe the relationship will be lost in the hard rains, blowing winds, and pummeling hail stones. The hardest part is you must wait for the storm to finish until you survey the damage.
The only choice there is, is to sit and wait it out. You can make preparations, and run for cover but no matter what the rain is going to fall. And fall hard and fast. You see the storm clouds, and before you know it you are getting pelted in the head with rock hard hail stones. Long before you can completely escape you are surrounded by a storm that can either breathe life into the crop you have worked so hard for, or it can cause all your hard work to be for nought. Wait and see.
Wait and see. Sit around with your thumb up your ass...thinking up all the various scenarios, and all the gruesome scenes that could possibly await you upon your survey of the damage. Not a pleasant waiting room. No soft music, no cushy chairs, no interesting people to chat it up with, no cool magazines to distract you. Just the thunderous roar of the rain pummelling your wheat fields. Drop after drop, lightening strike after lightening strike. You wait. And listen to the roaring of the rain, only drowned out at times by the roaring of your thoughts. Wait. Think. Wait. Think. At times you may feel as though it will never end. That this storm and your thoughts will rage on and on forever.
And then all of a sudden you gain strength...a steel reserve of sorts. Or maybe you just become numb to the pain and anguish of supposing what could happen. You put your aching bruised heart in a coma and sit in the pain-numbed stupor waiting to see what happens. You walk away from the window and decide to call the nail-biting agony quits. You wait and see...after all that is the only choice you have. You have no crystal ball, no fortune telling clairvoyance to guide you. Just time. Time must pass and allow the storm to rage on and nature to do what it will. Agonizingly maddening.
This is all a giant analogy obviously. But it is incredibly fitting for my current state of being. I am extraordinarily confused at this very moment. I have been deeply hurt by someone I was beginning to allow myself to fall for. I felt it....the gentle falling. With every kiss and every touch I felt my heart melting and me losing a bit of altitude. I felt as though I COULD fall for him and it would be safe to do so. But underneath it all I knew the answer to a question I had hoped with all my hoping energies that I was wrong about. Nope! I was right. Of course I was...since when is my intuition wrong? Since never. I was right. And now my heart is so hurt and bruised it feels numb. I am angry. I am hurt. I am feeling incredibly moronic. I feel regret. I feel so many emotions my emotion labeler is non-functioning right now. I cannot even detect all the emotions that are swirling around within.
I'm hurting.
Me being hurt is a dangerous place for whomever hurt me. Naturally I want so desperately to hurt him back and walk away. Disallowing him any chance at fixing it and making it better. Thus wounding him far deeper than he wounded me. But why? What would this do? It might satiate my need for savage revenge. It would satisfy my thirst for blood. But for how long? A mere moment. And then I would realize that I had wounded him--someone I care a great deal about, even though I'd rather not right now--and then I would be hurting myself even more. I would create a giant out of control hurt-fest that would not get me what I want. I would kill any and every chance of getting what I want out of what I have been working so hard for. What I have been laying my pride on the line for, and trusting for.
So many facets of this situation make me angry and hurt beyond words. I cannot believe I have gotten myself into this ridiculous situation. I cannot believe I am sitting here yet again wondering why the fuck I am not the one being chosen outright. I want to be the Queen of this Chess Game. But instead I am sitting here being a fucking pawn. I want to win this game. I want the prize. I want the King to be MINE dammit! I don't want to share. I don't want to "see what happens." I want to be the one who gets it all. I want to claim him as MINE. I don't want to share. And frankly I deserve be the one who gets it all. I am good enough. I am special enough. I am worth it.
What to do?
UUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!
For once I suppose I will remain with my head--and heart for that matter--on the chopping block. Laying in waiting...waiting to see if the guillotine will fall and bring my end. I want desperately to ensure my safety and run. I don't want to give him the chance to either fix it or annihilate me. I want to be in control and take his power away. But for once I refuse to be the quitter. I refuse to walk away. I refuse to be the coward under the guise of "making the hard choice." Because we all know that walking away--well running away--is a chicken shit move. And boys and girls I am no chicken. So here I sit. Bring it on. I will endure. And hopefully something good will happen.
Here's hoping.
Wish me luck.
You know sometimes I truly wish I were one of those girls who was completely oblivious to the things around her. Sometimes life in the fog is so much more peaceful than life spent staring into the glaring sun...seeing full well what lies ahead. But it hurts. It is incredibly uncomfortable at times to see what lies ahead...to see the looming storm clouds over the mountain pass. Those clouds containing destruction and an unsettling that will have a ripple-affect all across the land, every square inch of the territory known to you. It will even effect the places you'd never even thought of. The storm clouds will leave lasting effects and you know this long before the first drop ever touches the ground.
This is where I have been for weeks and weeks now. Knowing a raging storm was lurking on the horizon...but all the while I refused to look it in the face. Like the farmer who has toiled and poured out his sweat, blood, and tears on his crop. Nurturing the little plants, removing weeds, watering, fertilizing, cultivating. He works day in and day out in order to ensure a good healthy crop. And then one day, he gets a whiff of rain. He sees the giant thunderheads in the distance. He shudders to think of the destruction those clouds hold. They hold millions of gallons of life-giving water, vital to his crop. But they also contain hail, wind and lightening...things that can destroy all his hard work.
Relationships are like this at times. The hard work of cultivating something so wonderful and life-giving is also wrought with the worry of it all being washed away with the storm clouds looming on the horizon. And unfortunately when one smells the rain, it is on the way. Maybe the truth the rain brings will wash away the weaker elements of the relationship, or maybe the relationship will be lost in the hard rains, blowing winds, and pummeling hail stones. The hardest part is you must wait for the storm to finish until you survey the damage.
The only choice there is, is to sit and wait it out. You can make preparations, and run for cover but no matter what the rain is going to fall. And fall hard and fast. You see the storm clouds, and before you know it you are getting pelted in the head with rock hard hail stones. Long before you can completely escape you are surrounded by a storm that can either breathe life into the crop you have worked so hard for, or it can cause all your hard work to be for nought. Wait and see.
Wait and see. Sit around with your thumb up your ass...thinking up all the various scenarios, and all the gruesome scenes that could possibly await you upon your survey of the damage. Not a pleasant waiting room. No soft music, no cushy chairs, no interesting people to chat it up with, no cool magazines to distract you. Just the thunderous roar of the rain pummelling your wheat fields. Drop after drop, lightening strike after lightening strike. You wait. And listen to the roaring of the rain, only drowned out at times by the roaring of your thoughts. Wait. Think. Wait. Think. At times you may feel as though it will never end. That this storm and your thoughts will rage on and on forever.
And then all of a sudden you gain strength...a steel reserve of sorts. Or maybe you just become numb to the pain and anguish of supposing what could happen. You put your aching bruised heart in a coma and sit in the pain-numbed stupor waiting to see what happens. You walk away from the window and decide to call the nail-biting agony quits. You wait and see...after all that is the only choice you have. You have no crystal ball, no fortune telling clairvoyance to guide you. Just time. Time must pass and allow the storm to rage on and nature to do what it will. Agonizingly maddening.
This is all a giant analogy obviously. But it is incredibly fitting for my current state of being. I am extraordinarily confused at this very moment. I have been deeply hurt by someone I was beginning to allow myself to fall for. I felt it....the gentle falling. With every kiss and every touch I felt my heart melting and me losing a bit of altitude. I felt as though I COULD fall for him and it would be safe to do so. But underneath it all I knew the answer to a question I had hoped with all my hoping energies that I was wrong about. Nope! I was right. Of course I was...since when is my intuition wrong? Since never. I was right. And now my heart is so hurt and bruised it feels numb. I am angry. I am hurt. I am feeling incredibly moronic. I feel regret. I feel so many emotions my emotion labeler is non-functioning right now. I cannot even detect all the emotions that are swirling around within.
I'm hurting.
Me being hurt is a dangerous place for whomever hurt me. Naturally I want so desperately to hurt him back and walk away. Disallowing him any chance at fixing it and making it better. Thus wounding him far deeper than he wounded me. But why? What would this do? It might satiate my need for savage revenge. It would satisfy my thirst for blood. But for how long? A mere moment. And then I would realize that I had wounded him--someone I care a great deal about, even though I'd rather not right now--and then I would be hurting myself even more. I would create a giant out of control hurt-fest that would not get me what I want. I would kill any and every chance of getting what I want out of what I have been working so hard for. What I have been laying my pride on the line for, and trusting for.
So many facets of this situation make me angry and hurt beyond words. I cannot believe I have gotten myself into this ridiculous situation. I cannot believe I am sitting here yet again wondering why the fuck I am not the one being chosen outright. I want to be the Queen of this Chess Game. But instead I am sitting here being a fucking pawn. I want to win this game. I want the prize. I want the King to be MINE dammit! I don't want to share. I don't want to "see what happens." I want to be the one who gets it all. I want to claim him as MINE. I don't want to share. And frankly I deserve be the one who gets it all. I am good enough. I am special enough. I am worth it.
What to do?
UUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!
For once I suppose I will remain with my head--and heart for that matter--on the chopping block. Laying in waiting...waiting to see if the guillotine will fall and bring my end. I want desperately to ensure my safety and run. I don't want to give him the chance to either fix it or annihilate me. I want to be in control and take his power away. But for once I refuse to be the quitter. I refuse to walk away. I refuse to be the coward under the guise of "making the hard choice." Because we all know that walking away--well running away--is a chicken shit move. And boys and girls I am no chicken. So here I sit. Bring it on. I will endure. And hopefully something good will happen.
Here's hoping.
Wish me luck.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Susie...the homemaker
Ahh it grows...
The secret desire to be a housewife is growing...I fear it may take over my entirety soon. Well maybe not FEAR. It is a perplexing feeling...that of embracing the very thing you once ran from and denied to no end. Finally. FINALLY I am embracing the fact that all I want in this life is to be the woman that makes her man happy. To meet that man and fall madly and deeply in love with him, and build our life together.
For as long as I can remember love and marriage has been the thing that I feared the most...anyone mentioned it to me and my skin would begin to crawl. But why? Irrational fears and surmisings. I now realize where a lot of those came from, and I am working my way out from underneath the masks. I feel good...good that I am exposing the real me. My real wants and dreams for life.
Is it really so bad to long to be the wife and mother someone is out there dreaming of? Is it so awful to want to be the woman that nurtures and builds her husband up? Is it? Really? No it isn't...it is a good thing. I think the sexiest thing in the world is a man completely devoted to his wife. Who wears that band of precious metal on his left ring finger, proudly announcing to the world that he belongs to someone. The one he chose to give his name and his life to. And how wonderful is it to see a woman strong and gentle, holding her toddler and carrying the next soon to be born addition to a growing family? You've seen them. The young family at the park or the grocery store. Makes you smile doesn't it? It makes me smile too...and a wee bit of jealousy creeps in too, I must admit. That is what I want.
Marriage is a wonderful thing to want. For so long I felt that being in love and getting married was likened unto playing Russian roulette--one never knew if it would be something that would destroy their future and hopes and dreams, or something just to get your blood pumping only to leave you feeling neither here nor there...you're alive, but ARE you? You see the marriages I had as examples were just those sorts of marriages. But why should I write off love and my dreams of being a wife and mother on account of others' failures?
Seems rather preposterous doesn't it? This is the reason for my regained hope in attaining my dreams.
My dreams of an epic life still exist, they are just a little re-organized. Instead of traveling the world with my single friends, and having kick ass dinner parties with my single friends, it looks more like wonderful adventures with my future husband, and parties with other couples and their children. Summer barbecues with families from the neighborhood paired with the musical stylings of crying infants, arguing toddlers, and couples happily married and living their domestic dreams.
I think that is a much more attractive photograph myself. Love, babies, summer, fun...vs. Old maids who are obsessed with their chosen snobbery and the life they call "good" to boost their self worth.
For as long as I can remember I have had a bit of a love affair with the 50s. What do the 50s represent? Think about it...What do you picture?
I Love Lucy (Another story lurks here...I LOVE THAT SHOW! But it shall wait :))
The Cleavers
Potsy and the Fonz
The Honeymooners
Poodle Skirts, saddle shoes, and chevy's?
How about mom making a fantastic dinner and having it hot and ready for her loving husband when he arrives home from work. In those TV shows of yesterday the wife was always willing and ready to please her man. She woke up bright and early and prepared him and the family breakfast, met him at the door with a kiss in the morning, and met him again with a kiss in the evening. She sent him with a nutritious lunch...and maybe slipped in a little naughty note ;)
For some this scene brings a wave of nausea and women's lib antics come racing to mind. But for a lot of women this is what we long for.
I have had my feet firmly planted on both sides of that fence. Demanding fiercely my independence and carving out dreams of a prestigious career. And now I have jumped over the fence to the side of wanting to be the wife in those old time TV shows. Susie...the homemaker.
I have decided to embrace my affinity for baking and cooking and doing laundry and keeping my house tidy. I embrace the fact that I love children, and they love me--they flock to me. :) Wherever I am those little buggers find me, and we make each other smile. Kids are wonderful. Nowadays when my friends tease me and say I am a soccer mom, I don't cringe the way I used to...I get a bit of a smile on my face, and think about what it will be like when I really am a mom.
I'm ready for love.
I'm ready for marriage.
I'm ready to begin my life.
I'M READY!
The secret desire to be a housewife is growing...I fear it may take over my entirety soon. Well maybe not FEAR. It is a perplexing feeling...that of embracing the very thing you once ran from and denied to no end. Finally. FINALLY I am embracing the fact that all I want in this life is to be the woman that makes her man happy. To meet that man and fall madly and deeply in love with him, and build our life together.
For as long as I can remember love and marriage has been the thing that I feared the most...anyone mentioned it to me and my skin would begin to crawl. But why? Irrational fears and surmisings. I now realize where a lot of those came from, and I am working my way out from underneath the masks. I feel good...good that I am exposing the real me. My real wants and dreams for life.
Is it really so bad to long to be the wife and mother someone is out there dreaming of? Is it so awful to want to be the woman that nurtures and builds her husband up? Is it? Really? No it isn't...it is a good thing. I think the sexiest thing in the world is a man completely devoted to his wife. Who wears that band of precious metal on his left ring finger, proudly announcing to the world that he belongs to someone. The one he chose to give his name and his life to. And how wonderful is it to see a woman strong and gentle, holding her toddler and carrying the next soon to be born addition to a growing family? You've seen them. The young family at the park or the grocery store. Makes you smile doesn't it? It makes me smile too...and a wee bit of jealousy creeps in too, I must admit. That is what I want.
Marriage is a wonderful thing to want. For so long I felt that being in love and getting married was likened unto playing Russian roulette--one never knew if it would be something that would destroy their future and hopes and dreams, or something just to get your blood pumping only to leave you feeling neither here nor there...you're alive, but ARE you? You see the marriages I had as examples were just those sorts of marriages. But why should I write off love and my dreams of being a wife and mother on account of others' failures?
Seems rather preposterous doesn't it? This is the reason for my regained hope in attaining my dreams.
My dreams of an epic life still exist, they are just a little re-organized. Instead of traveling the world with my single friends, and having kick ass dinner parties with my single friends, it looks more like wonderful adventures with my future husband, and parties with other couples and their children. Summer barbecues with families from the neighborhood paired with the musical stylings of crying infants, arguing toddlers, and couples happily married and living their domestic dreams.
I think that is a much more attractive photograph myself. Love, babies, summer, fun...vs. Old maids who are obsessed with their chosen snobbery and the life they call "good" to boost their self worth.
For as long as I can remember I have had a bit of a love affair with the 50s. What do the 50s represent? Think about it...What do you picture?
I Love Lucy (Another story lurks here...I LOVE THAT SHOW! But it shall wait :))
The Cleavers
Potsy and the Fonz
The Honeymooners
Poodle Skirts, saddle shoes, and chevy's?
How about mom making a fantastic dinner and having it hot and ready for her loving husband when he arrives home from work. In those TV shows of yesterday the wife was always willing and ready to please her man. She woke up bright and early and prepared him and the family breakfast, met him at the door with a kiss in the morning, and met him again with a kiss in the evening. She sent him with a nutritious lunch...and maybe slipped in a little naughty note ;)
For some this scene brings a wave of nausea and women's lib antics come racing to mind. But for a lot of women this is what we long for.
I have had my feet firmly planted on both sides of that fence. Demanding fiercely my independence and carving out dreams of a prestigious career. And now I have jumped over the fence to the side of wanting to be the wife in those old time TV shows. Susie...the homemaker.
I have decided to embrace my affinity for baking and cooking and doing laundry and keeping my house tidy. I embrace the fact that I love children, and they love me--they flock to me. :) Wherever I am those little buggers find me, and we make each other smile. Kids are wonderful. Nowadays when my friends tease me and say I am a soccer mom, I don't cringe the way I used to...I get a bit of a smile on my face, and think about what it will be like when I really am a mom.
I'm ready for love.
I'm ready for marriage.
I'm ready to begin my life.
I'M READY!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
my my my how things change
Things are a changing... always.
Changes abound within my life...especially what I am willing to admit I want from life. I have discussed this before, the fact that extravagance aside, what I truly want is the simple life. To share my life with a great man. An honest man whom I trust wholly and completely, a man who brings me unending joy, but who constantly challenges me.
I want a meaningful career, and a life outside the home, but more than any other want in life, I want to be a great wife and mother. I want to partner my life with another, and create life... I want to nurture and care for my husband and children.
I went from someone who decided they wanted the single life, to live life alone and according to my own agenda, to someone who longs for a partnered life. A life built with another. This is not so abnormal...it just perplexes me a wee bit. On account of the fact that I ran from it for so long.
Why did I run?
Many reasons. Some of which I am not yet aware of. But the most pertinent reason is fear. Fear of being betrayed...of life being life and being in the place where I depended on the man in my life, and my world crashing in on me. And the fear of wanting something so badly only to be disappointed.
Through the self analyzing this last year or so has brought I have discovered the fallacy of my former fears. The irrationality of living my life according to the what if factor. I had the 'prepare for the worst' part down pat, but I forgot about the 'hope for the best' part of the equation. I have now acquired the hope I once ignored.
How you ask?
My friend and her fiance have been an integral part to re-establishing that hope. I met her in an interesting way...she picked me up for her best friend. That didn't work out, but her and I became stellar friends. Over the course of our friendship I have been by her side through divorce proceedings, and the associated dramas. Through it all she remained hopeful that her "fairytale was out there." She met the most amazing man...in albeit unconventional ways, but he has been there for her through the rain, hail and shit storms her life has brought her through as of late.
Their relationship started out against the odds, but it is flourishing. Lush with the buds and blooms of a lasting love. A love that will remain disgustingly exciting and carry them well on into their golden years. It gives me hope.
A former cynic, now has hope of a disgustingly exciting fairytale of her own. I have seen with my eyes how the shit storms of life can bring forth a flourishing garden of a loving relationship. I guess the shit storms of life are like fertilizer for what you are destined for in the end. While it is hard work for a time...and your back may get sore, and it may smell like the worst shit pile you have ever smelled for a season, eventually something beautiful will grow in the fertile soil left behind by all your troubles and hard work.
Changes abound within my life...especially what I am willing to admit I want from life. I have discussed this before, the fact that extravagance aside, what I truly want is the simple life. To share my life with a great man. An honest man whom I trust wholly and completely, a man who brings me unending joy, but who constantly challenges me.
I want a meaningful career, and a life outside the home, but more than any other want in life, I want to be a great wife and mother. I want to partner my life with another, and create life... I want to nurture and care for my husband and children.
I went from someone who decided they wanted the single life, to live life alone and according to my own agenda, to someone who longs for a partnered life. A life built with another. This is not so abnormal...it just perplexes me a wee bit. On account of the fact that I ran from it for so long.
Why did I run?
Many reasons. Some of which I am not yet aware of. But the most pertinent reason is fear. Fear of being betrayed...of life being life and being in the place where I depended on the man in my life, and my world crashing in on me. And the fear of wanting something so badly only to be disappointed.
Through the self analyzing this last year or so has brought I have discovered the fallacy of my former fears. The irrationality of living my life according to the what if factor. I had the 'prepare for the worst' part down pat, but I forgot about the 'hope for the best' part of the equation. I have now acquired the hope I once ignored.
How you ask?
My friend and her fiance have been an integral part to re-establishing that hope. I met her in an interesting way...she picked me up for her best friend. That didn't work out, but her and I became stellar friends. Over the course of our friendship I have been by her side through divorce proceedings, and the associated dramas. Through it all she remained hopeful that her "fairytale was out there." She met the most amazing man...in albeit unconventional ways, but he has been there for her through the rain, hail and shit storms her life has brought her through as of late.
Their relationship started out against the odds, but it is flourishing. Lush with the buds and blooms of a lasting love. A love that will remain disgustingly exciting and carry them well on into their golden years. It gives me hope.
A former cynic, now has hope of a disgustingly exciting fairytale of her own. I have seen with my eyes how the shit storms of life can bring forth a flourishing garden of a loving relationship. I guess the shit storms of life are like fertilizer for what you are destined for in the end. While it is hard work for a time...and your back may get sore, and it may smell like the worst shit pile you have ever smelled for a season, eventually something beautiful will grow in the fertile soil left behind by all your troubles and hard work.
Friday, January 30, 2009
What I really want...
First of many chapters I suppose...
So I have been changing a lot in this last year--more on that another time--due to a lot of reasons, but primarily due to the fact that something huge happened in my world, causing it to turn inside out. And I don't know about you, but the insides of things are not pretty. While the outside is meant to be seen, and is nice to look at, the inside may be another story entirely. As was the case with my life, and who I thought I was...
So after a year of staring at the bloody viscera of what my life was supposed to be, and what it 'should have' looked like, I have finally reached the point where I feel that who I truly am, and what my viscera looks like, is me. Me, ME, Val, the real one. Not someone else's representation of who Val should be, but Val. Period. I like this Val. This Val is comfortable in her own skin, and not "Ms. Perfect" all the time. I have come to the realization that as scary and as shitty as life can be, it is GREAT! But, it can only be great if you allow it to be, and IF YOU LIVE IT!
I spent a long time making and wearing my mask of independence. I wore it well...and damn it was a nice looking mask, only problem was: life isn't supposed to be a masquerade ball. Who knew?! I spent tons of energy on that mask, only to find it would better serve me and the people in my life if I cast it asunder. So upon removing my mask I was faced with yet more questions...Who am I? What do I want? Who do I really want to be? Where do I want this life to take me? And so on...
So here goes the start to the answering...
What do I REALLY want in life...no masks...just truth.
In this life I want the simple things really. I want to share my life, and make an amazing journey with a great man. A man who I can trust with my whole heart. A man who I can trust enough to fall for, and know that he will catch me. That he will catch me in his arms, and that when I fall his strength won't waiver...he will stand strong, holding the woman he loves. The man that is my companion...my partner in crime.
I want to be able to be the woman he needs. The one who takes care of him. Physically, emotionally, and mentally. I want to meet his every need. To make my man know he is well taken care of, in any and every area he can think up. And I want him to do the same for me. I want to be Susie Homemaker, and have dinner ready when he comes home...I want to be the vixen who is standing in the kitchen with only an apron on. I want to meet him at the front door and attack him. I want to send him dirty little notes in his lunch everyday. Or panties in his coat pocket. I want to wake up every morning in his arms, and know how much he loves me, and how much I love him, without saying one word.
For so long I have talked about the life of adventure and going "balls to the wall" and taking this world for everything it has. And I want that, oh man do I want that. But I want someone to share it with. To build a life of memories with. Friends are great to make memories with, but making a life with someone is what I truly long for.
There is adventure to be found all over the world. Riding a bull, participating in the Tomatina, hiking the Great Wall of China, scuba diving, parasailing, sailing around the world, shooting a 50 cal, and all the other crazy ass things on my list of to dos. But while it may sound simple as hell, I think true adventure is found in living life. In finding the love of my life and marrying him, living life together...figuring out how to do life together. Raising kids, going to work every day, and falling asleep in eachother's arms every night. Just living, and making memories. That is the adventure I want. The adrenaline rush I have truly been looking for...
So I have been changing a lot in this last year--more on that another time--due to a lot of reasons, but primarily due to the fact that something huge happened in my world, causing it to turn inside out. And I don't know about you, but the insides of things are not pretty. While the outside is meant to be seen, and is nice to look at, the inside may be another story entirely. As was the case with my life, and who I thought I was...
So after a year of staring at the bloody viscera of what my life was supposed to be, and what it 'should have' looked like, I have finally reached the point where I feel that who I truly am, and what my viscera looks like, is me. Me, ME, Val, the real one. Not someone else's representation of who Val should be, but Val. Period. I like this Val. This Val is comfortable in her own skin, and not "Ms. Perfect" all the time. I have come to the realization that as scary and as shitty as life can be, it is GREAT! But, it can only be great if you allow it to be, and IF YOU LIVE IT!
I spent a long time making and wearing my mask of independence. I wore it well...and damn it was a nice looking mask, only problem was: life isn't supposed to be a masquerade ball. Who knew?! I spent tons of energy on that mask, only to find it would better serve me and the people in my life if I cast it asunder. So upon removing my mask I was faced with yet more questions...Who am I? What do I want? Who do I really want to be? Where do I want this life to take me? And so on...
So here goes the start to the answering...
What do I REALLY want in life...no masks...just truth.
In this life I want the simple things really. I want to share my life, and make an amazing journey with a great man. A man who I can trust with my whole heart. A man who I can trust enough to fall for, and know that he will catch me. That he will catch me in his arms, and that when I fall his strength won't waiver...he will stand strong, holding the woman he loves. The man that is my companion...my partner in crime.
I want to be able to be the woman he needs. The one who takes care of him. Physically, emotionally, and mentally. I want to meet his every need. To make my man know he is well taken care of, in any and every area he can think up. And I want him to do the same for me. I want to be Susie Homemaker, and have dinner ready when he comes home...I want to be the vixen who is standing in the kitchen with only an apron on. I want to meet him at the front door and attack him. I want to send him dirty little notes in his lunch everyday. Or panties in his coat pocket. I want to wake up every morning in his arms, and know how much he loves me, and how much I love him, without saying one word.
For so long I have talked about the life of adventure and going "balls to the wall" and taking this world for everything it has. And I want that, oh man do I want that. But I want someone to share it with. To build a life of memories with. Friends are great to make memories with, but making a life with someone is what I truly long for.
There is adventure to be found all over the world. Riding a bull, participating in the Tomatina, hiking the Great Wall of China, scuba diving, parasailing, sailing around the world, shooting a 50 cal, and all the other crazy ass things on my list of to dos. But while it may sound simple as hell, I think true adventure is found in living life. In finding the love of my life and marrying him, living life together...figuring out how to do life together. Raising kids, going to work every day, and falling asleep in eachother's arms every night. Just living, and making memories. That is the adventure I want. The adrenaline rush I have truly been looking for...
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