my my my how things change

Things are a changing... always.

Changes abound within my life...especially what I am willing to admit I want from life. I have discussed this before, the fact that extravagance aside, what I truly want is the simple life. To share my life with a great man. An honest man whom I trust wholly and completely, a man who brings me unending joy, but who constantly challenges me.

I want a meaningful career, and a life outside the home, but more than any other want in life, I want to be a great wife and mother. I want to partner my life with another, and create life... I want to nurture and care for my husband and children.

I went from someone who decided they wanted the single life, to live life alone and according to my own agenda, to someone who longs for a partnered life. A life built with another. This is not so abnormal...it just perplexes me a wee bit. On account of the fact that I ran from it for so long.

Why did I run?

Many reasons. Some of which I am not yet aware of. But the most pertinent reason is fear. Fear of being betrayed...of life being life and being in the place where I depended on the man in my life, and my world crashing in on me. And the fear of wanting something so badly only to be disappointed.

Through the self analyzing this last year or so has brought I have discovered the fallacy of my former fears. The irrationality of living my life according to the what if factor. I had the 'prepare for the worst' part down pat, but I forgot about the 'hope for the best' part of the equation. I have now acquired the hope I once ignored.

How you ask?

My friend and her fiance have been an integral part to re-establishing that hope. I met her in an interesting way...she picked me up for her best friend. That didn't work out, but her and I became stellar friends. Over the course of our friendship I have been by her side through divorce proceedings, and the associated dramas. Through it all she remained hopeful that her "fairytale was out there." She met the most amazing man...in albeit unconventional ways, but he has been there for her through the rain, hail and shit storms her life has brought her through as of late.

Their relationship started out against the odds, but it is flourishing. Lush with the buds and blooms of a lasting love. A love that will remain disgustingly exciting and carry them well on into their golden years. It gives me hope.

A former cynic, now has hope of a disgustingly exciting fairytale of her own. I have seen with my eyes how the shit storms of life can bring forth a flourishing garden of a loving relationship. I guess the shit storms of life are like fertilizer for what you are destined for in the end. While it is hard work for a time...and your back may get sore, and it may smell like the worst shit pile you have ever smelled for a season, eventually something beautiful will grow in the fertile soil left behind by all your troubles and hard work.