a rock and a hard place

Well here I am once again...stuck in a place where I either swallow my pride or I make the hard choice on account of principle. Stuck. Wedged in between two choices that are equally shitty. Not a fun place to be



You know sometimes I truly wish I were one of those girls who was completely oblivious to the things around her. Sometimes life in the fog is so much more peaceful than life spent staring into the glaring sun...seeing full well what lies ahead. But it hurts. It is incredibly uncomfortable at times to see what lies ahead...to see the looming storm clouds over the mountain pass. Those clouds containing destruction and an unsettling that will have a ripple-affect all across the land, every square inch of the territory known to you. It will even effect the places you'd never even thought of. The storm clouds will leave lasting effects and you know this long before the first drop ever touches the ground.



This is where I have been for weeks and weeks now. Knowing a raging storm was lurking on the horizon...but all the while I refused to look it in the face. Like the farmer who has toiled and poured out his sweat, blood, and tears on his crop. Nurturing the little plants, removing weeds, watering, fertilizing, cultivating. He works day in and day out in order to ensure a good healthy crop. And then one day, he gets a whiff of rain. He sees the giant thunderheads in the distance. He shudders to think of the destruction those clouds hold. They hold millions of gallons of life-giving water, vital to his crop. But they also contain hail, wind and lightening...things that can destroy all his hard work.



Relationships are like this at times. The hard work of cultivating something so wonderful and life-giving is also wrought with the worry of it all being washed away with the storm clouds looming on the horizon. And unfortunately when one smells the rain, it is on the way. Maybe the truth the rain brings will wash away the weaker elements of the relationship, or maybe the relationship will be lost in the hard rains, blowing winds, and pummeling hail stones. The hardest part is you must wait for the storm to finish until you survey the damage.



The only choice there is, is to sit and wait it out. You can make preparations, and run for cover but no matter what the rain is going to fall. And fall hard and fast. You see the storm clouds, and before you know it you are getting pelted in the head with rock hard hail stones. Long before you can completely escape you are surrounded by a storm that can either breathe life into the crop you have worked so hard for, or it can cause all your hard work to be for nought. Wait and see.



Wait and see. Sit around with your thumb up your ass...thinking up all the various scenarios, and all the gruesome scenes that could possibly await you upon your survey of the damage. Not a pleasant waiting room. No soft music, no cushy chairs, no interesting people to chat it up with, no cool magazines to distract you. Just the thunderous roar of the rain pummelling your wheat fields. Drop after drop, lightening strike after lightening strike. You wait. And listen to the roaring of the rain, only drowned out at times by the roaring of your thoughts. Wait. Think. Wait. Think. At times you may feel as though it will never end. That this storm and your thoughts will rage on and on forever.

And then all of a sudden you gain strength...a steel reserve of sorts. Or maybe you just become numb to the pain and anguish of supposing what could happen. You put your aching bruised heart in a coma and sit in the pain-numbed stupor waiting to see what happens. You walk away from the window and decide to call the nail-biting agony quits. You wait and see...after all that is the only choice you have. You have no crystal ball, no fortune telling clairvoyance to guide you. Just time. Time must pass and allow the storm to rage on and nature to do what it will. Agonizingly maddening.

This is all a giant analogy obviously. But it is incredibly fitting for my current state of being. I am extraordinarily confused at this very moment. I have been deeply hurt by someone I was beginning to allow myself to fall for. I felt it....the gentle falling. With every kiss and every touch I felt my heart melting and me losing a bit of altitude. I felt as though I COULD fall for him and it would be safe to do so. But underneath it all I knew the answer to a question I had hoped with all my hoping energies that I was wrong about. Nope! I was right. Of course I was...since when is my intuition wrong? Since never. I was right. And now my heart is so hurt and bruised it feels numb. I am angry. I am hurt. I am feeling incredibly moronic. I feel regret. I feel so many emotions my emotion labeler is non-functioning right now. I cannot even detect all the emotions that are swirling around within.

I'm hurting.

Me being hurt is a dangerous place for whomever hurt me. Naturally I want so desperately to hurt him back and walk away. Disallowing him any chance at fixing it and making it better. Thus wounding him far deeper than he wounded me. But why? What would this do? It might satiate my need for savage revenge. It would satisfy my thirst for blood. But for how long? A mere moment. And then I would realize that I had wounded him--someone I care a great deal about, even though I'd rather not right now--and then I would be hurting myself even more. I would create a giant out of control hurt-fest that would not get me what I want. I would kill any and every chance of getting what I want out of what I have been working so hard for. What I have been laying my pride on the line for, and trusting for.

So many facets of this situation make me angry and hurt beyond words. I cannot believe I have gotten myself into this ridiculous situation. I cannot believe I am sitting here yet again wondering why the fuck I am not the one being chosen outright. I want to be the Queen of this Chess Game. But instead I am sitting here being a fucking pawn. I want to win this game. I want the prize. I want the King to be MINE dammit! I don't want to share. I don't want to "see what happens." I want to be the one who gets it all. I want to claim him as MINE. I don't want to share. And frankly I deserve be the one who gets it all. I am good enough. I am special enough. I am worth it.

What to do?

UUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!

For once I suppose I will remain with my head--and heart for that matter--on the chopping block. Laying in waiting...waiting to see if the guillotine will fall and bring my end. I want desperately to ensure my safety and run. I don't want to give him the chance to either fix it or annihilate me. I want to be in control and take his power away. But for once I refuse to be the quitter. I refuse to walk away. I refuse to be the coward under the guise of "making the hard choice." Because we all know that walking away--well running away--is a chicken shit move. And boys and girls I am no chicken. So here I sit. Bring it on. I will endure. And hopefully something good will happen.

Here's hoping.

Wish me luck.

my my my how things change

Things are a changing... always.

Changes abound within my life...especially what I am willing to admit I want from life. I have discussed this before, the fact that extravagance aside, what I truly want is the simple life. To share my life with a great man. An honest man whom I trust wholly and completely, a man who brings me unending joy, but who constantly challenges me.

I want a meaningful career, and a life outside the home, but more than any other want in life, I want to be a great wife and mother. I want to partner my life with another, and create life... I want to nurture and care for my husband and children.

I went from someone who decided they wanted the single life, to live life alone and according to my own agenda, to someone who longs for a partnered life. A life built with another. This is not so abnormal...it just perplexes me a wee bit. On account of the fact that I ran from it for so long.

Why did I run?

Many reasons. Some of which I am not yet aware of. But the most pertinent reason is fear. Fear of being betrayed...of life being life and being in the place where I depended on the man in my life, and my world crashing in on me. And the fear of wanting something so badly only to be disappointed.

Through the self analyzing this last year or so has brought I have discovered the fallacy of my former fears. The irrationality of living my life according to the what if factor. I had the 'prepare for the worst' part down pat, but I forgot about the 'hope for the best' part of the equation. I have now acquired the hope I once ignored.

How you ask?

My friend and her fiance have been an integral part to re-establishing that hope. I met her in an interesting way...she picked me up for her best friend. That didn't work out, but her and I became stellar friends. Over the course of our friendship I have been by her side through divorce proceedings, and the associated dramas. Through it all she remained hopeful that her "fairytale was out there." She met the most amazing man...in albeit unconventional ways, but he has been there for her through the rain, hail and shit storms her life has brought her through as of late.

Their relationship started out against the odds, but it is flourishing. Lush with the buds and blooms of a lasting love. A love that will remain disgustingly exciting and carry them well on into their golden years. It gives me hope.

A former cynic, now has hope of a disgustingly exciting fairytale of her own. I have seen with my eyes how the shit storms of life can bring forth a flourishing garden of a loving relationship. I guess the shit storms of life are like fertilizer for what you are destined for in the end. While it is hard work for a time...and your back may get sore, and it may smell like the worst shit pile you have ever smelled for a season, eventually something beautiful will grow in the fertile soil left behind by all your troubles and hard work.