six

six months.

that's right. six. we've made it this far... it feels good.

but i'm scared.

the itch is there... not the seven year kind of "eff off monogamy" itch. the "holy shit! I'm scared that it's all gonna wither away and just disappear one day when i least expect it" kind of itch.

i try and try to be the person i was for him...the loving, caring, sweet girlfriend that he wants to marry. but somehow i fail. i get angry over everything. blaming him. accusing him... the list goes on.

how then shall i keep him? he says he's not going anywhere...that he wants to stay... that he wants to prove to my family and everyone else that he's here for good...

but still...that fear has crept in...

it's like when you watch a really scary movie and the scenes replay in your mind no matter what you do. you try to escape them, you distract yourself... you think happy fluffy thoughts and then WHAM!! you're sitting there scared and shaking, afraid to go to the bathroom alone or sleep with your back to the wall.

can he hold me tight enough for us to make it through this long scary night?

i sure hope so... i don't want walk this walk without him...