healing is hurting

The healing.



The hurting.



Both are necessary...and most times they are inextricably linked. It hurts and it must heal, but hurting is an indication of healing...



Working in healthcare I am no stranger to the fact that when a wound heals it will hurt. Sometimes the healing process is markedly more painful than the injury. The injurious pain felt was immediate and sharp. While the healing gives a dull ache with momentary stings that won't quit. Moment by moment you are reminded of your wound, and reminded of the healing that has begun but is no where near complete.



I have recently become aware of this being true for emotional injuries as well. The layers of hurts we gather over the years can fester and become an overwhelming infection if not dealt with. I had hurt for so long I became numb to it, I ignored the wound and denied the twinges of pain so many times that I led myself to believe the lie that I was fine...

Until one day. One day I acted horribly to someone I cared a great deal about. I was still hurting from something he did. And while I told him--and myself for that matter--that I would forgive him and continue on as his friend, I just could not be nice to him. I found myself being this heinous bitch to him over and over again, for no reason. One particular day after an outing with him I found myself in tears wondering what the hell was wrong with me. How was it that I cared for him so much, and wanted to spend time with him, yet I still could not shake this desire to be angry at him? Why couldn't I just let it go and move on?

I was punishing him for things he did not do. He was being made to pay penance for a sin he didn't commit. While he hurt me, he did not deserve my radioactive bitchiness. I was angry yes. But not with him. Turns out I was projecting the feelings from the ghosts of past hurts and disappointments on him.

The human psyche is a perplexing thing. How is it that we can lie to ourselves? We know the truth...we know what really happened. And yet we tell ourselves we are fine and "move on." Only to further entrap ourselves in the cycle of hurting. Never truly healing or really moving on. It's a protective mechanism. That's it. We must protect ourselves to carry on. We want to ensure no further pain ensues so we dodge all things that appear even remotely like that which caused our original pain. Even so much as to hide from the very thing that will help us.

Like the four-year old with the skinned knee. Screaming and crying. Wincing in pain. His mother tells him the wound must be cleaned before it is bandaged. He cries and screams, knowing full well the pain the warm soapy water will bring. He has heard dozens of times before "we have to clean it so it can heal." But cleaning hurts. It burns and stings like hell. Then the throbbing sets in. Every second a reminder of your injury. Throb. Throb. STING! Throb. Throb. Throb. STING! STTTIIIINNNGGG! Throb.

But then after a bit of time passes you realize your wound is no longer hurting. You are barely aware the injury even existed. You have a scar. A permanent mark of the injury. But the pain dissipates, and even dissolves completely. The scar will even fade away...

what i am...a rant

What I am...

What I am not...

Who I am...

Who I am not...

So many questions and so many answers... so much unsaid.

Gasp! I feel so incredibly bogged down with questions right now. The ones I should ask. The ones I want to ask. The ones I don't want to ask. The ones I have asked, but still feel as though they have not been satiated. My mind is in a flurry of thoughts, questions, propositions, wranglings. Hurt feelings, bruised heart, wounded pride.

Have I been duped? Led on? Tricked? Or maybe I have just been pushing for something that wasn't there. Maybe wanting something so much that I saw more than what was there in actuality. Hmmm...

Should I ask? Should I ask him these questions and more? Maybe I already know the answer? Who knows? Not I.

All I know is what I felt, what he says, what my gut says, and now what an all too informed friend says. Groan. DOUBLE GROAN!

Still I refuse to walk away. I won't bow out. Not this time. I actually care for once. He matters to me. And what happens between him and I matters to me.

On one hand I truly wish we had started this whole fiasco as just friends. Friendship can be built upon. But it is really difficult to rewind feelings, and once the sex line has been crossed it is even more difficult to go back behind that line. But the line was crossed. From the gate we crossed the line. And now I wonder. I wonder if maybe we really are just best friends who got too far ahead of themselves. But it doesn't feel as such. It feels as though we were always more than just friends.

I don't want to be his best friend. I want to be his everything. I want to be the one he thinks of when he is trying to sleep at night. I want to be the one whose kiss he remembers and smiles. I want to be the one he misses even three seconds after leaving my presence. I want to be his. Is this too much to ask for?

Is it too much for me to want to be adored? To want for someone to love me? It doesn't seem to be too much. But at times it feels like I am asking too much. That is what I long for. I deeply long for someone to yearn for me. For them to see me as their everything. I have never been in love, and that is my aim. I want love. I want to fall for someone and have them catch me. I want to be the one for someone.

I just don't know what to do here...

Let it flow is what I have been told...

Just let it flow...

We shall see. Oh goodness this is hard. So hard. It hurts...