six months.
that's right. six. we've made it this far... it feels good.
but i'm scared.
the itch is there... not the seven year kind of "eff off monogamy" itch. the "holy shit! I'm scared that it's all gonna wither away and just disappear one day when i least expect it" kind of itch.
i try and try to be the person i was for him...the loving, caring, sweet girlfriend that he wants to marry. but somehow i fail. i get angry over everything. blaming him. accusing him... the list goes on.
how then shall i keep him? he says he's not going anywhere...that he wants to stay... that he wants to prove to my family and everyone else that he's here for good...
but still...that fear has crept in...
it's like when you watch a really scary movie and the scenes replay in your mind no matter what you do. you try to escape them, you distract yourself... you think happy fluffy thoughts and then WHAM!! you're sitting there scared and shaking, afraid to go to the bathroom alone or sleep with your back to the wall.
can he hold me tight enough for us to make it through this long scary night?
i sure hope so... i don't want walk this walk without him...
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
trust
How does one regain trust in another?
I hate being stuck here in this slow ass ER, trapped with my thoughts. No distractions or diversions in sight, so here I am pondering and toiling away.
Can I trust him the way I once did? Will I ever feel better about all this? Is he lying to me still?
We're so happy when we're not trying to deal with heated subjects and normal errand-like tasks. When we can be carefree and just have fun it's so amazing. He makes me laugh like no other, makes me smile bigger than I ever have, and makes me feel more alive than ever before.
But ten seconds later all that can change and I feel as though I'm losing my mind and everything attached to it. Lately I've felt so out of control I fear I'll never regain it. Here I'm caught in the middle of a war. In the trenches the armies fight. One for the man I love more than words can tell and the other for the person I was, for the longing to regain control and some sense of normalcy. On and on they fight, tearing me apart in the wake of the shrapnel and bullet frenzied environs.
Most times I never even think of the opposing view. I just lay there in his arms and feel so amazingly alive and loved. If only we could stay there forever and never think of anyone or anything else again...
I hate being stuck here in this slow ass ER, trapped with my thoughts. No distractions or diversions in sight, so here I am pondering and toiling away.
Can I trust him the way I once did? Will I ever feel better about all this? Is he lying to me still?
We're so happy when we're not trying to deal with heated subjects and normal errand-like tasks. When we can be carefree and just have fun it's so amazing. He makes me laugh like no other, makes me smile bigger than I ever have, and makes me feel more alive than ever before.
But ten seconds later all that can change and I feel as though I'm losing my mind and everything attached to it. Lately I've felt so out of control I fear I'll never regain it. Here I'm caught in the middle of a war. In the trenches the armies fight. One for the man I love more than words can tell and the other for the person I was, for the longing to regain control and some sense of normalcy. On and on they fight, tearing me apart in the wake of the shrapnel and bullet frenzied environs.
Most times I never even think of the opposing view. I just lay there in his arms and feel so amazingly alive and loved. If only we could stay there forever and never think of anyone or anything else again...
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
again again
why do I continue this? guy after guy. time after time. each time I tell myself "this one's gonna be different" "this will be the time I let go of this stupid fear." but no. each time is exactly the same. the players look a wee bit different, but they're mostly the same. it's me telling myself some lie, and some guy feeding me other lies. and then I either get scared and walk away, push him away, or I make some combination excuse and just let it all die. but as of late it seems that I pick situations that are destined to fail. that way if they do, for some crazy ass reason, choose me over whatever circumstance, then I'm validated as being fucking amazing, and I win. but I never "win," I just get what I knew I'd get in the first place. that way I remain in hiding and keep my tender heart neatly stowed away... but yet, all this causes me more unneccesary pain. causes lies and hurts, tears and regrets, blame and fear. thus the cycle perpetuates and repeats itself. over and over again.
i know exactly how much I deserve. my logical, analytical brain knows full well that I deserve a man who is willing to give me the world and lay down anything and everything just to be with me. I know that I deserve this and so much more. I say to the world "I won't settle...I know what I want, and I'll get it." but I settle. I choose men who are incapable of providing anything of the sort for me. who are just as emotionally fucked as I am. distant, withdrawn and too fearful to let their testicles descend long enough to give a shit about me for more than a week or six. but yet I chase them. I convince myself that they do care...and some of them I think do, but they aren't capable of following through with those feelings. all they are capable of is getting close to letting those feelings flow, and then getting scared, tucking up their balls, and running for the hills. without so much as a word of warning they're gone.
and then I sit here and ponder this and that. analyze and reanalyze. wondering what I could have, or should have done, or what I didn't do. how I failed. and so on. but really, all I did was what I always do. I lie to myself and tell myself that I can do it right this time. I won't fuck it up this time. this time it will be good.
no it won't. this time it's just like every other time. I got scared, and pushed. just about the time he realized he liked me, he realized he wasn't capable of handling the responsibility that caring for me requires...
i'm getting a wee bit too old to keep doing this shit to myself. the failure. the blame. the overthinking everything. the latching on...
i know exactly how much I deserve. my logical, analytical brain knows full well that I deserve a man who is willing to give me the world and lay down anything and everything just to be with me. I know that I deserve this and so much more. I say to the world "I won't settle...I know what I want, and I'll get it." but I settle. I choose men who are incapable of providing anything of the sort for me. who are just as emotionally fucked as I am. distant, withdrawn and too fearful to let their testicles descend long enough to give a shit about me for more than a week or six. but yet I chase them. I convince myself that they do care...and some of them I think do, but they aren't capable of following through with those feelings. all they are capable of is getting close to letting those feelings flow, and then getting scared, tucking up their balls, and running for the hills. without so much as a word of warning they're gone.
and then I sit here and ponder this and that. analyze and reanalyze. wondering what I could have, or should have done, or what I didn't do. how I failed. and so on. but really, all I did was what I always do. I lie to myself and tell myself that I can do it right this time. I won't fuck it up this time. this time it will be good.
no it won't. this time it's just like every other time. I got scared, and pushed. just about the time he realized he liked me, he realized he wasn't capable of handling the responsibility that caring for me requires...
i'm getting a wee bit too old to keep doing this shit to myself. the failure. the blame. the overthinking everything. the latching on...
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
the return
Back to work...
A part of me feels as though I never left, and yet another part of me feels as though I haven't been here in years. Same old stuff. Some things have changed and far too many faces have changed in 6 weeks, but all in all the beast remains the same. Same cantankerous ungrateful patients, same grumbly coworkers, same everything. I missed it though. Boy did I miss it. I missed my friends and my work. Missed using my brain. Missed the ridiculousness of being awake all night, most every night.
I missed the completely inappropriate discussions with coworkers and the incredibly wise advice they offer...
While out on my medical adventure, I did a lot of thinking and some soul searching as well. Even a bit of dating. As of late I've been back in the dating world full force. And that's all the same too. Just learned a lot more...
A part of me feels as though I never left, and yet another part of me feels as though I haven't been here in years. Same old stuff. Some things have changed and far too many faces have changed in 6 weeks, but all in all the beast remains the same. Same cantankerous ungrateful patients, same grumbly coworkers, same everything. I missed it though. Boy did I miss it. I missed my friends and my work. Missed using my brain. Missed the ridiculousness of being awake all night, most every night.
I missed the completely inappropriate discussions with coworkers and the incredibly wise advice they offer...
While out on my medical adventure, I did a lot of thinking and some soul searching as well. Even a bit of dating. As of late I've been back in the dating world full force. And that's all the same too. Just learned a lot more...
used items
Used items are always cheap, but are rarely worth the bargain. For the money saved may well be paid in inconvenience.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
out for the count
here I sit... BORED AS HELL.
I could and should be doing oh so many things. But no. I sit here thinking. I should be writing my paper. 4-6 pages due tomorrow at midnight. But I think I'll wait. I have more than 24 hours...
Ah procrastination. So evil, and so good. Guess that adrenaline rush I get at the last few hours before a deadline is pretty potent...and I like it.
Anyhoo. I had surgery last week. Ouch. I know the drill though. It's something I've done a time or 8 before. Off for 6 weeks. No work. No nothing right now. Just recoup.
WTF? Seriously? Me. The do 47 things in an hour. Leave the house at 6a don't get back til 2a kinda gal. Work work work. Work an extra. Work work work. Do this. Do that. Go here. Go there. GO GO GO! Nope. Can't. Not at all.
Drove 4 blocks yesterday and got tired and sore. Taking naps. Sleeping through the night. What?! Barf.
I am being a good little patient--FOR ONCE-- and taking it easy. But why is 'taking it easy' so damn hard?
I'm ready to feel like me. To be running around at decapitated chicken status again. To be tearing down the trail on my bike at full speed. Cranking out those pedals. Feeling the wind in my hair (through my helmet naturally). I want to be burnin' that candle at both ends.
Soon. Soon I shall. But for now I shall sit back and chill. For once in my life I'll allow it.
Another movie? Si.
I could and should be doing oh so many things. But no. I sit here thinking. I should be writing my paper. 4-6 pages due tomorrow at midnight. But I think I'll wait. I have more than 24 hours...
Ah procrastination. So evil, and so good. Guess that adrenaline rush I get at the last few hours before a deadline is pretty potent...and I like it.
Anyhoo. I had surgery last week. Ouch. I know the drill though. It's something I've done a time or 8 before. Off for 6 weeks. No work. No nothing right now. Just recoup.
WTF? Seriously? Me. The do 47 things in an hour. Leave the house at 6a don't get back til 2a kinda gal. Work work work. Work an extra. Work work work. Do this. Do that. Go here. Go there. GO GO GO! Nope. Can't. Not at all.
Drove 4 blocks yesterday and got tired and sore. Taking naps. Sleeping through the night. What?! Barf.
I am being a good little patient--FOR ONCE-- and taking it easy. But why is 'taking it easy' so damn hard?
I'm ready to feel like me. To be running around at decapitated chicken status again. To be tearing down the trail on my bike at full speed. Cranking out those pedals. Feeling the wind in my hair (through my helmet naturally). I want to be burnin' that candle at both ends.
Soon. Soon I shall. But for now I shall sit back and chill. For once in my life I'll allow it.
Another movie? Si.
Monday, June 22, 2009
the nice guy...
Yup...the nice guy. The charming, sweet, loving, well-mannered nice guy.
You know what they say: "Nice guys finish last."
Why do they say that? Well, it just might be true...
The nice guy. The damn nice guy. The one I always fall for. Well it's a crock. Truth is: nice guys aren't nice at all. They just don't have the stones to be a man. They are pussies. They play this game with you and buttercup you, making you think they are genuine and they care for you. But really they are just too lily-livered to to be men and say what they really think or feel.
No. That might hurt your feelings. Awww...and then they'd cry. What the fuck ever. I'm sorry, but I am completely okay with hurting someone's feelings. The truth is the truth. And if it hurts, well damn that's part of life. In case no one ever told you.
I fucking hate nice guys. I think that the nice guy, who is too afraid to tell you anything so he leads you on, is more of an asshole than that guy who is just a plain old outright asshole. At least the guy who is an asshole is man enough to be...well A MAN.
You know what they say: "Nice guys finish last."
Why do they say that? Well, it just might be true...
The nice guy. The damn nice guy. The one I always fall for. Well it's a crock. Truth is: nice guys aren't nice at all. They just don't have the stones to be a man. They are pussies. They play this game with you and buttercup you, making you think they are genuine and they care for you. But really they are just too lily-livered to to be men and say what they really think or feel.
No. That might hurt your feelings. Awww...and then they'd cry. What the fuck ever. I'm sorry, but I am completely okay with hurting someone's feelings. The truth is the truth. And if it hurts, well damn that's part of life. In case no one ever told you.
I fucking hate nice guys. I think that the nice guy, who is too afraid to tell you anything so he leads you on, is more of an asshole than that guy who is just a plain old outright asshole. At least the guy who is an asshole is man enough to be...well A MAN.
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