what i am...a rant

What I am...

What I am not...

Who I am...

Who I am not...

So many questions and so many answers... so much unsaid.

Gasp! I feel so incredibly bogged down with questions right now. The ones I should ask. The ones I want to ask. The ones I don't want to ask. The ones I have asked, but still feel as though they have not been satiated. My mind is in a flurry of thoughts, questions, propositions, wranglings. Hurt feelings, bruised heart, wounded pride.

Have I been duped? Led on? Tricked? Or maybe I have just been pushing for something that wasn't there. Maybe wanting something so much that I saw more than what was there in actuality. Hmmm...

Should I ask? Should I ask him these questions and more? Maybe I already know the answer? Who knows? Not I.

All I know is what I felt, what he says, what my gut says, and now what an all too informed friend says. Groan. DOUBLE GROAN!

Still I refuse to walk away. I won't bow out. Not this time. I actually care for once. He matters to me. And what happens between him and I matters to me.

On one hand I truly wish we had started this whole fiasco as just friends. Friendship can be built upon. But it is really difficult to rewind feelings, and once the sex line has been crossed it is even more difficult to go back behind that line. But the line was crossed. From the gate we crossed the line. And now I wonder. I wonder if maybe we really are just best friends who got too far ahead of themselves. But it doesn't feel as such. It feels as though we were always more than just friends.

I don't want to be his best friend. I want to be his everything. I want to be the one he thinks of when he is trying to sleep at night. I want to be the one whose kiss he remembers and smiles. I want to be the one he misses even three seconds after leaving my presence. I want to be his. Is this too much to ask for?

Is it too much for me to want to be adored? To want for someone to love me? It doesn't seem to be too much. But at times it feels like I am asking too much. That is what I long for. I deeply long for someone to yearn for me. For them to see me as their everything. I have never been in love, and that is my aim. I want love. I want to fall for someone and have them catch me. I want to be the one for someone.

I just don't know what to do here...

Let it flow is what I have been told...

Just let it flow...

We shall see. Oh goodness this is hard. So hard. It hurts...