six months.
that's right. six. we've made it this far... it feels good.
but i'm scared.
the itch is there... not the seven year kind of "eff off monogamy" itch. the "holy shit! I'm scared that it's all gonna wither away and just disappear one day when i least expect it" kind of itch.
i try and try to be the person i was for him...the loving, caring, sweet girlfriend that he wants to marry. but somehow i fail. i get angry over everything. blaming him. accusing him... the list goes on.
how then shall i keep him? he says he's not going anywhere...that he wants to stay... that he wants to prove to my family and everyone else that he's here for good...
but still...that fear has crept in...
it's like when you watch a really scary movie and the scenes replay in your mind no matter what you do. you try to escape them, you distract yourself... you think happy fluffy thoughts and then WHAM!! you're sitting there scared and shaking, afraid to go to the bathroom alone or sleep with your back to the wall.
can he hold me tight enough for us to make it through this long scary night?
i sure hope so... i don't want walk this walk without him...
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
trust
How does one regain trust in another?
I hate being stuck here in this slow ass ER, trapped with my thoughts. No distractions or diversions in sight, so here I am pondering and toiling away.
Can I trust him the way I once did? Will I ever feel better about all this? Is he lying to me still?
We're so happy when we're not trying to deal with heated subjects and normal errand-like tasks. When we can be carefree and just have fun it's so amazing. He makes me laugh like no other, makes me smile bigger than I ever have, and makes me feel more alive than ever before.
But ten seconds later all that can change and I feel as though I'm losing my mind and everything attached to it. Lately I've felt so out of control I fear I'll never regain it. Here I'm caught in the middle of a war. In the trenches the armies fight. One for the man I love more than words can tell and the other for the person I was, for the longing to regain control and some sense of normalcy. On and on they fight, tearing me apart in the wake of the shrapnel and bullet frenzied environs.
Most times I never even think of the opposing view. I just lay there in his arms and feel so amazingly alive and loved. If only we could stay there forever and never think of anyone or anything else again...
I hate being stuck here in this slow ass ER, trapped with my thoughts. No distractions or diversions in sight, so here I am pondering and toiling away.
Can I trust him the way I once did? Will I ever feel better about all this? Is he lying to me still?
We're so happy when we're not trying to deal with heated subjects and normal errand-like tasks. When we can be carefree and just have fun it's so amazing. He makes me laugh like no other, makes me smile bigger than I ever have, and makes me feel more alive than ever before.
But ten seconds later all that can change and I feel as though I'm losing my mind and everything attached to it. Lately I've felt so out of control I fear I'll never regain it. Here I'm caught in the middle of a war. In the trenches the armies fight. One for the man I love more than words can tell and the other for the person I was, for the longing to regain control and some sense of normalcy. On and on they fight, tearing me apart in the wake of the shrapnel and bullet frenzied environs.
Most times I never even think of the opposing view. I just lay there in his arms and feel so amazingly alive and loved. If only we could stay there forever and never think of anyone or anything else again...
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