again again

why do I continue this? guy after guy. time after time. each time I tell myself "this one's gonna be different" "this will be the time I let go of this stupid fear." but no. each time is exactly the same. the players look a wee bit different, but they're mostly the same. it's me telling myself some lie, and some guy feeding me other lies. and then I either get scared and walk away, push him away, or I make some combination excuse and just let it all die. but as of late it seems that I pick situations that are destined to fail. that way if they do, for some crazy ass reason, choose me over whatever circumstance, then I'm validated as being fucking amazing, and I win. but I never "win," I just get what I knew I'd get in the first place. that way I remain in hiding and keep my tender heart neatly stowed away... but yet, all this causes me more unneccesary pain. causes lies and hurts, tears and regrets, blame and fear. thus the cycle perpetuates and repeats itself. over and over again.

i know exactly how much I deserve. my logical, analytical brain knows full well that I deserve a man who is willing to give me the world and lay down anything and everything just to be with me. I know that I deserve this and so much more. I say to the world "I won't settle...I know what I want, and I'll get it." but I settle. I choose men who are incapable of providing anything of the sort for me. who are just as emotionally fucked as I am. distant, withdrawn and too fearful to let their testicles descend long enough to give a shit about me for more than a week or six. but yet I chase them. I convince myself that they do care...and some of them I think do, but they aren't capable of following through with those feelings. all they are capable of is getting close to letting those feelings flow, and then getting scared, tucking up their balls, and running for the hills. without so much as a word of warning they're gone.

and then I sit here and ponder this and that. analyze and reanalyze. wondering what I could have, or should have done, or what I didn't do. how I failed. and so on. but really, all I did was what I always do. I lie to myself and tell myself that I can do it right this time. I won't fuck it up this time. this time it will be good.

no it won't. this time it's just like every other time. I got scared, and  pushed. just about the time he realized he liked me, he realized he wasn't capable of handling the responsibility that caring for me requires...

i'm getting a wee bit too old to keep doing this shit to myself. the failure. the blame. the overthinking everything. the latching on...