Death...and taxes?

Death.

It is part of life. That is a given, and while we are in a way prepared for it our entire lives, it always catches us off guard. My aunt has been ill for 13 years. For exactly half of my life I have known that she would die an untimely death. That the illness she had would one day kill her. I am trained in medicine and understand the logic and all the reasons as to why it is she is dying. It makes complete and perfect sense. But the fact remains that death is hard. Losing someone you care about is hard. Regardless of how logical it is, or how long you have to prepare yourself to say goodbye, you are never ready.

This has been a trying time, both emotionally and mentally. I am the only one that can effectively explain the events, the why and the how of her dying, to my family. It is hard being the one that knows full well the gravity of her disease process. Because I have to answer their questions honestly, and at times that means taking their hope away. I feel like they think I am a cold hearted bitch.

Truth is: I do feel. I feel the hurt. I feel the loss and the sadness, but I look past that to the reality of the situation. Beyond what I would like to happen, to what is happening. I know what can and cannot happen in regard to her illness, and recovery, or lack thereof.

I have always been able to turn my emotions off and make a logical conclusion. In any situation. I just turn off the feelings, and think. I like to remove myself from a situation and try my best to look at it objectively. And while this is good for understanding, it may be bad as well. I have become so accustomed to turning my feelings off and removing myself from the situation, that I have a hard time allowing people to see my emotions, or even letting them flow. Especially emotions of hurt or sadness.

It is interesting how some people just wear their hearts on their sleeve, showing any and every emotion to all who pass by. And others who have their hearts buried deep within themselves only exposing it to those who can truly be trusted. Both of these are good. It is good for people to be able to see that you are human and you have emotions. But your heart is very delicate and needs to be protected. I think middle ground is called for. Maybe wearing your heart on your sleeve all the time isn't the best idea, but how about displaying it on your sleeve here and there?

I think that is something I need to do. I have been working hard at becoming the woman I desire to be. And that woman is not a cold hearted bitch who allows no one to see her. Her emotions, thoughts, hopes, dreams, and vulnerabilities. That is not someone I want to be anymore. I have accepted who I truly am, and I am letting the world see her. The real Val.

And right now she is hurting. I am hurting. I am sad, and heartbroken over the loss of someone I love. I want the people in my life to realize that I am not the stoic person I have always appeared to be. But I don't know how to do that. I don't quite know how to take this mask off, and be sad in front of my family and friends.

It seems that maybe I have been too stoic for too long. When I try to pour out my heart to my friends they pass it off. Just once I would like someone I care about to hold me as I cry. I want to be in the arms of someone I trust and care about, who cares about me enough to let me fall apart. I want to be weak and vulnerable for once. And be taken care of. Just once I would like to be the one being consoled, instead of the one consoling and taking care of everyone else.

How do I do this? I don't know. I suppose just continue on being real. Forcing myself to be seen. No matter what I look like under the mask...